ecafanna's Xanga

something

Fri, 01 May 2009 18:12:01 GMT

has got to give.... this just isn't working

Friday, February 13, 2009

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:40:24 GMT

Life... its such an interesting thing...

Right when you think you have a grasp on it, it slips right from your hands. or in this case gets yanked.

I seem to be numb. I can't seem to feel what I'm supposed to feel. I guess thats a good thing right? or is it going to make it worse on me later?

Am I dealing really well or just not dealing at all? I think I'm just good at bottling it up. I mean initially I was very effected but then it just seemed to fade into a distance. my anger and hurt just seemed to dissipate. But then again I think maybe I just am shoving it down and refusing to feel the pain.

I feel like I'm drowning. I'm just letting the water fill my lungs and not fighting anymore.

I kind of hope to just wake up from this nightmare.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:24:03 GMT

Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on change. I get bored easily and like to have new, different things in my life. For instance, I change my hair color constantly, I have 12 piercings, I change jobs way too often, I move a lot, and I like to try new things.

There are some things that I wish would stay the same though. I wish no one would get older and that my grandparents would not leave this earth. I wish the butterflies you feel in the first few months of love never dissipated. I wish I could have all my friends near me (yes I know it was usually me that moved but why couldn't you come with me?) I wish some relationships would stay the same and not change and grow distant.

God has been working on me lately about being content where I am (who am I kidding? He's been working on me in this area for years). He has blessed me with a job that I adore and that is constantly challenging me. I do not get bored and I'm always learning. He kept me away from my family long enough to truly appreciate being with them now.

I want to learn to live in the now and not in the someday. My mom often says that "people parish without a vision". This is very true. If you don't have a hope for a future then you do not have a reason to go forward. But I also want to have a vision for now. I spent a lot of my teenage years dreaming of the day I would meet my man and get married. Now that I am there, I dream of the day that I will have kids. But that day will come soon enough and I don't want to spend today wishing it away.

When you lose someone you love it makes you think about the precious time you wasted not spending time with them. I know I will get to see my grandparents again in heaven but I sure wish I would have had more time with them here.

I want to appreciate the here and now. I don't want to look back and regret not having done something. I want to look back and be proud of who I was and what I did.

I enjoy change... now its time to make a change.... in me.

Hurting

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:12:55 GMT

I don't understand peoples decisions sometimes. Why would you go through the same motions and make the same decisions that have gotten you hurt in the past? Not just once but several times?

Even dogs learn to not cross the invisible line lest they get shocked again.

Why do I choose friends that have this problem? I respect you and your decision but do I have to get hurt because of it? When you come running to me for advice, comfort, love, and healing but then turn around and do it again.... that hurts. Its a cycle that keeps repeating. When you choose to make this bad decision (the same one you have made over and over again) you cut me out each and every time. But then come running back when you need someone to lean on. And I keep reaching out because I hate seeing you hurt. It does affect me but you don't think of that when you are being stupid.

It gives me a slim glimpse of how God must feel on a constant basis. We do that to him so often. We run to him for comfort and healing then turn and commit the same blunder. We cut him out when we are doing wrong. We don't want him to know. But we turn back to him when it didn't work out the way we wanted it to.

I don't have all the answers or even most of them but I do not want to make the same mistake over and over again. I hope when I am in your shoes that I make the right decision and stay strong. But if I don't, I hope that you have the strength and guts to stand up to me and tell me I'm being dumb. If I don't listen, I hope you will stay by me like I have stayed by you.

Yes it hurts, but I don't want to trade our friendship and love for a little bit of pain relief. After all, someone else will just end up hurting me. Relationships are not without pain.

All I really ask is that you understand that it hurts me. Please don't be oblivious to my pain. I do not have the extent of patience and kindness that God has and it might take me a little time to get back to normal. But I will make it. I promise you, I won't throw our friendship out on a case of your stupidity.

I will trust that you will come back again. Just as God waits for us, I will wait for you. Well at least to the extent that my humanness will allow.

I apologize to those friends that I did give up on. I am sorry for my lack of patience and unconditional love. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I do still think of you and pray for you.

I am sorry God for making the same mistake over and over again and running away from you. I thank you for your patience and understanding. I am sorry that I have hurt you and given you grief. I want to make the right choice (even if its hard) and continually hunger after you and not lose focus. Please give me insight and strength. I want to run back to you.

The Short Version

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:23:50 GMT

Moved to McPherson, Kansas.
           We like this little town.
Live with the 'rents.
           Love my family!
Work for a lawyer.
           Love my job.
Lost 25 pounds.
           Like my body a bit more.

Any questions or if you would like some details just ask!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 20:48:53 GMT

I would like to refer back to my April 12th post. Its all still true. How can you be so stupid? Its worse now then it was before. I feel rejected. I feel like you've kicked me in the stomach. I feel angry.

the key to having a good kid or dog is to be consistent. everyone learns right and wrong through consistency. i've been used and abused before by friends. in the early years i didn't set boundaries. more recently i didn't make them stick to the boundaries. i think not sticking to them is worse then not having any. if they get away with it then they will try again. and again. and again... but them getting away with it isn't even close to as bad as getting rewarded for it.

that is exactly what you are doing. you are rewarding him for everything he does. everything that is unacceptable. or at least it should be. its unacceptable to me. you are telling him its okay to be that way. that there are no consequences.
he is never going to change. not only is he an asshole. he is fucking stupid. listening to him talk is like nails on a chalkboard. he makes a fool of himself
absolutely everything we/you have done in the last 8 months was pointless and a waste of time. that foundation you had started has crumbled to mean nothing. what you say means nothing. its all empty threats.
this is a drug to you. if you keep going down the path you are, you will lose all your friends and your family. sometimes it seems like that is what you want. you are trading in these wonderful people in your life for what? love? that is NOT love.
all my life i've had a front row seat to the effects of addiction. its amazing how the addict can't see how much it is effecting everybody else. its also amazing how much control the drug has over the addict. of course the addict has given the power to the drug. and through the choices they make, they either continue to give the power or to slowing take it back. you had began to get your power (over your own life) back but because of the choice you made this last weekend, he has much more then he EVER had. now he is confident and feels invincible. and the only one that can fix that is you. but since you don't then he is invincible. nothing can touch him.

you are playing the game by yourself. i'm on the bench (thats where you put me). all of us are on the bench. you're the coach and the star player. you're in charge. its extremely hard for me to sit back and watch you get creamed. but because i respect and love you i'm not going anywhere. (i'm still on my sisters bench but i'm facing the other way. i couldn't see through my tears anyway)

i love you. i want the best for you. hopefully i'll be able to go back to the way it was before any of this started. i didn't like the situation but i was resigned to it. its just the way it was. it was the choice you made. but after all the hope, drama, right choices, and progress we've been through i'm not emotionally uninvolved anymore. and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. i get angry. i get sad. i cry. i try to control and then i let go. its a roller coaster. and honestly its not very fun. :(

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 21:14:57 GMT

so much new stuff going on....where to begin?...
i've joined a gym. i'm working out 5 or 6 times a week and i'm on a meal plan. thursday it will be two weeks. i've lost around 5 pounds. i should reach my goal around thanksgiving. josh started working out with me and we are both feeling a huge difference. i have so much more energy and confidence.
i've been tanning with jess and louise out by our pool. gah i forget how quickly i get dark. we went and bought me a teeny bikini couple days ago. josh wants my tan lines to be smaller. HA! he just likes me being almost naked. i haven't worn it outside yet but soon i'll have my own back yard.
yeah thats right we are moving. this next weekend. i am so freaking excited. we decided that this moving experience wouldn't be like the last time (worst move ever!). we started packing a few weeks ago. its been so stress free. thank goodness. we are moving to a townhouse that has 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bath, garage, back porch, huge living room and hookups for washer and dryer. its cheaper than what we are paying now. ha! its in this really quiet neighborhood and only 2 mins from joshua's work. the following weekend we are going to have a yardsale. we are getting rid of so much stuff. yea!
i'm a blond now and i'm loving it. i've gotten so many compliments too. in my early years i was a blond but slowly went to a brown. then of course i've dyed it black, red, and brown. im trying to grow out my hair but i get so bored with it so i decided to dye it and josh got to decide what color. so now i'm blond!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:42:59 GMT

watching vera is wonderful.
rashi and i are becoming great friends.
louise is stressing me out.
melissa had an adorable lil girl.
joshua is amazing
i'm good. i'm back on my meds. i found them for 4 dollars a month at walmart. nice eh?

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 21:49:04 GMT

so here i sit on a saturday afternoon wiping the sleep from my eyes. i've got things to do and yet its a saturday. i always have things to do and life just keeps going on.
i've taken on the task of being dr. rashi arora's nanny. her daughter, vera, is 3 months old and adorable. i was going to get a job at symantec. having that kind of money come in and seeing my husband everyday for lunch would be oh so nice but i've decided to take care of vera instead. because if rashi doesn't have someone to count on then she has to send vera to india to live with her family. and that would just suck! so until God provides someone else then this is what i'm doing. i'm also babysitting a kid named brayden. he is 9 months old and so bubbly and happy all the time.
i miss my family. i really wish we lived there. some days i think i can make it a few years (josh loves his job here) and other days i just wanna cry all day long.
i'm off my medicine. i don't have medical insurance at the moment so... i've been struggling lately but i'm not sure if its not being on the meds or if i'm just pmsing. so i guess will see how it goes over the next few weeks.
louise is moving in week from today. i am so freaking excited. i get lonely often. she will be trying to get a job at the hospital.
speaking of which i still haven't quit. i should do that on monday. i keep putting it off. i hate disappointing people. it seems its all i do these days. i disappoint my friends. i disappoint my co-workers. i just don't have it in me right now to try. i'm doing the best i can. i'm just so overwhelmed right now. i wish life was simpler. like when we were kids. well i'm off the try and be productive. i'm disappointing myself

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:24:53 GMT

do you ever just want to take somebody by their shoulders and shake them like crazy? i just want to yell "WAKE UP!! look at what you are doing. this is not what you want. this is not healthy."
how do you stop someone from doing something so stupid? someone you love to death and don't want to see get hurt again? what do you do?
i know that in the past people have wanted to shake me awake. i went ahead, made the mistakes, and got hurt. but i don't want that to happen to you. i went through it so you don't have to.

i was with you during the crying and sleepless nights. i was there when you had to run and hide. i was there when you were scared out of your mind. do you remember that? being so fearful that you were shaking? that fear was real. you are so much better then this. you deserve the love and respect that i finally got. you deserve so much more than you are getting.
you've got to remember those things. you can't forget. you can forgive but DO NOT FORGET. i am here always to remind you. because you mean so much to me. your heart means so much to me.
i'm here for you forever and through everything. it hurts me when you are hurting. i don't want to see you make the mistake i did. but even if you do, i am still here.