something

Life... its such an interesting thing...

Right when you think you have a grasp on it, it slips right from your hands. or in this case gets yanked.

I seem to be numb. I can't seem to feel what I'm supposed to feel. I guess thats a good thing right? or is it going to make it worse on me later?

Am I dealing really well or just not dealing at all? I think I'm just good at bottling it up. I mean initially I was very effected but then it just seemed to fade into a distance. my anger and hurt just seemed to dissipate. But then again I think maybe I just am shoving it down and refusing to feel the pain.

I feel like I'm drowning. I'm just letting the water fill my lungs and not fighting anymore.

I kind of hope to just wake up from this nightmare.

Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on change. I get bored easily and like to have new, different things in my life. For instance, I change my hair color constantly, I have 12 piercings, I change jobs way too often, I move a lot, and I like to try new things.

There are some things that I wish would stay the same though. I wish no one would get older and that my grandparents would not leave this earth. I wish the butterflies you feel in the first few months of love never dissipated. I wish I could have all my friends near me (yes I know it was usually me that moved but why couldn't you come with me?) I wish some relationships would stay the same and not change and grow distant.

God has been working on me lately about being content where I am (who am I kidding? He's been working on me in this area for years). He has blessed me with a job that I adore and that is constantly challenging me. I do not get bored and I'm always learning. He kept me away from my family long enough to truly appreciate being with them now.

I want to learn to live in the now and not in the someday. My mom often says that "people parish without a vision". This is very true. If you don't have a hope for a future then you do not have a reason to go forward. But I also want to have a vision for now. I spent a lot of my teenage years dreaming of the day I would meet my man and get married. Now that I am there, I dream of the day that I will have kids. But that day will come soon enough and I don't want to spend today wishing it away.

When you lose someone you love it makes you think about the precious time you wasted not spending time with them. I know I will get to see my grandparents again in heaven but I sure wish I would have had more time with them here.

I want to appreciate the here and now. I don't want to look back and regret not having done something. I want to look back and be proud of who I was and what I did.

I enjoy change... now its time to make a change.... in me.

Hurting

I don't understand peoples decisions sometimes. Why would you go through the same motions and make the same decisions that have gotten you hurt in the past? Not just once but several times?

Even dogs learn to not cross the invisible line lest they get shocked again.

Why do I choose friends that have this problem? I respect you and your decision but do I have to get hurt because of it? When you come running to me for advice, comfort, love, and healing but then turn around and do it again.... that hurts. Its a cycle that keeps repeating. When you choose to make this bad decision (the same one you have made over and over again) you cut me out each and every time. But then come running back when you need someone to lean on. And I keep reaching out because I hate seeing you hurt. It does affect me but you don't think of that when you are being stupid.

It gives me a slim glimpse of how God must feel on a constant basis.  We do that to him so often. We run to him for comfort and healing then turn and commit the same blunder. We cut him out when we are doing wrong. We don't want him to know. But we turn back to him when it didn't work out the way we wanted it to.

I don't have all the answers or even most of them but I do not want to make the same mistake over and over again. I hope when I am in your shoes that I make the right decision and stay strong. But if I don't, I hope that you have the strength and guts to stand up to me and tell me I'm being dumb. If I don't listen, I hope you will stay by me like I have stayed by you.

Yes it hurts, but I don't want to trade our friendship and love for a little bit of pain relief. After all, someone else will just end up hurting me. Relationships are not without pain.

All I really ask is that you understand that it hurts me. Please don't be oblivious to my pain. I do not have the extent of patience and kindness that God has and it might take me a little time to get back to normal. But I will make it. I promise you, I won't throw our friendship out on a case of your stupidity.

I will trust that you will come back again. Just as God waits for us, I will wait for you. Well at least to the extent that my humanness will allow.

I apologize to those friends that I did give up on. I am sorry for my lack of patience and unconditional love. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I do still think of you and pray for you.

I am sorry God for making the same mistake over and over again and running away from you. I thank you for your patience and understanding. I am sorry that I have hurt you and given you grief. I want to make the right choice (even if its hard) and continually hunger after you and not lose focus. Please give me insight and strength. I want to run back to you.

The Short Version